PERSONS UNKNOWN (pilot) : real time reactions

PERSONS UNKNOWN is a new TV show created by Christopher McQuarrie (writer of THE USUAL SUSPECTS, VALKYRIE and WAY OF THE GUN) and what come next are my reactions in real time while watching the pilot that aired june 7 on NBC.

The show is about a group of strangers waking up in a deserted hotel, in a ghost town, with no fucking clue of where they are or whatsoever. Been there, done that ? We’ll see.  I’m hitting the play button… now.

00:02 – San Fransisco Bridge

01:28 – Who are the cleaners ?

01:41 – ok helloooo no name with nice titties…

02:21 – Cheap surveillance shots… meh ! Female lead abducted. Check.

02:37 – Title. 3 seconds.

02:41 – Close-up on awaikening eyes —> LOST

04:51 – We’re having those cheap CCTV shots all along, uh ?

06:01 – «What do you want from me ? Somebody help meeeeee» Sure. Here he comes.

06:47 – His name is Joe and he’s not one of them.

08:03 – «Suck on them…» he says.

09:38 – His name is Charlie and he’s got money.

10:05 – Another female lead in her robe… plain ugly.

10:06 – And here comes the bat shit crazy black G.I. He’s violent but he’s one of the good guys.

10:37 – Hello Shanon-like white trash… playing the hangover like a real actor would play a non hangover scene with a true hangover. Follow me ?

12:55 – Already trying to start a fire Robinson Crusoe style ? In a fucking hotel ? Where’s the logic in that ? Oh yeah, the smoke detectors… awright, go on champ’. Joe is the jack-type leader then…

13:00 – Back in San Fransisco. Show should’ve been called Actors Unknown cuz here’s two more. Journalists.

13:46 – Stop clicking that mouse like you’ve never used a computer before.

14:59 – Back in mysterious prison/hotel. Ugly bath robe gal is a counselor and says she’s worth nothing. I knew it.

13:00 – Pause while their talking about how much anybody worth in cash. Reminds me of a dialogue in CUBE. I’m less than 15 minutes into this Pilot and PERSONS UNKNOWN has already stealed from CUBE, OLDBOY, LOST, 24 (filming style), THE PRISONER (latest version) and those that I must have missed. Also, there’s a TWILIGHT ZONE episode named Persons Unknown but the story has nothing to do with this.

15:57 – And here comes the paranoia. The creator really loves recycling his USUAL SUSPECTS routine…

16:50 – Fire !!! Take that Tom Hanks !

20:33 – Empty streets. Empty stores. Phone are dead.

21:26 – One more John Doe and he’s got a shotgun.

22:41 – No more shotgun for him but he’s not one of them either. The name’s Bill and he’s a car salesman. Why would someone’s answer include his line of work when he’s only asked about his name ? Those dialogues are moronic since the beginning and it’s getting worse (+ not a single curse word around).

25:30 – Female lead’s called Janet. Finally. Nice tits Janet.

27:22 – Hate those scenes when obvious things are happening for the viewer but characters are still wasting time figuring out what the hell is going on. They fall asleep when attempting to leave the perimeter. We got it. Stop with the gunshots nonsense and the freaking out.

27:35 – A traffic light shot ? Is it a TWIN PEAKS reference or an insult to the show ? Guess it’s both.

29:40 - Could Janet’s mother act more suspiciously please ? Our retarded audience need some clues at this point because we lost everybody with our insane twisted plot…

31:08 – Chinese weirdo dressed as a chef

32:00 – Bill made a «get a room» joke. Fisrt humor attempt in the show. The guy must be an alcoholic.

32:22 – They all have remote sedative implants. «Everybody ! Pants off !» she says.

33:15 – Chinese weirdo dressed in a tuxedo

34:00 - Ok chinese restaurant. That makes sense.

37:08 – Wink. Wink. Key scene at a table about reading everybody’s enigmatic fate in cookie’s fortunes. How lame is that ? Janet’s lying about her message like a whore telling cops she’s out for cigarettes.

41:00 – Climax. Woot Woot. Welcome in a world where nobody knows about the SAW franchise.

41:28 – Camera is zooming out revealing the surroundings. Are they on a island ? I see mountains but they’re better not be on a fucking isl… TO BE CONTINUED !

Without me, I guess…

So that’s it. Mysterious but poorly shot, poorly acted and not fresh at all. I don’t really care about the rest of the story that, hopefully, will continue troughout 12 more episodes before coming to a conclusion (it’s a mini-serie).
If you do, here’s a trailer featuring some of what’s coming next…